It’s never fun to get rejected, but people frequently overlook that starting the breakup can also be dreadful. Yes, you’re in charge, but it doesn’t make you immune to shame, angst, grief, or some particularly unpleasant combination of the above. After all, there was a time when you cared about this individual. Perhaps they even loved them. Maybe you still do. Being the one hurting Someone you care about is even more terrible than witnessing their injury. The Cut asked Samantha Burns, a certified mental health counsellor, relationship coach, and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back, how to end a relationship amicably through each stage, from the decision to terminate things through the period of sorrow that follows the breakup.
Table of Contents
Before their breakup
1.Give yourself and your spouse the opportunity to work things out.
“A breakup should never happen suddenly. You should express your worries or dissatisfactions and make an effort to resolve them as a team before deciding to leave the relationship. It’s your responsibility to communicate with your spouse and let them know how you’re feeling, even if you believe doing so would disappoint or hurt them. So that they aren’t caught off guard by a breakup, which may be devastating and confusing, I think it’s crucial to involve your partner as much as likely in discussions about your feelings.
2.Select a place.
Do it in private so that you have time to talk it through and respond to their questions if you feel safe doing it with your partner. If you don’t live together, tell them the news there so you may go when the time is right. Consider reporting your partner’s verbal or physical abuse in public, with a friend nearby, or, depending on the circumstances, even over the phone or in a letter. Your safety should always come first.
3.Plan out the details.
“Many long-term committed partnerships involve cohabitation and cost-sharing. If you are living together, you should have a strategy for where you’ll stay, how you’ll divide your goods, and if you’ll do so temporarily in different rooms under the same roof or with friends or family.
4.Prepare yourself for both sides’ emotions.
Be aware that your spouse may be quite hurt and shocked and require time and space to comprehend the information and their preferred method of communication. You’ll probably feel emotional as well. Your partner served as your emotional foundation, the sole source of support, and a lifelong companion.
During the split
5.Be clear from the outset.
Depending on the reason for the breakup, be sympathetic and rip off the Band if you love and respect that person. The connection with a blunt declaration like, “I need to terminate this relationship,” even though there isn’t an easy way to do it. The saddens me to know I’m hurting you.
6.Describe your thought process.
The finest breakup discussions provide concrete explanations for why the relationship isn’t working, as the upset spouse may spend much time later looking for proof of what went wrong. Try to speak from your viewpoint about how you’re feeling rather than criticizing others, whether it’s feeling unappreciated, unloved, detached, having differing fundamental values, or wanting various things out of life.
7.Hold fast to your decision no matter how your ex-partner reacts.
If they plead with you to reconsider: “Someone shouldn’t have to contend with you to love or be with them. A breakdown can be perplexing when you can’t quite pinpoint what went wrong or if it’s simply a feeling. Believe that when you’re in the proper relationship, your heart and mind will align, and you won’t have to decide which to follow.
If they become enraged, remind them that only they have control over their actions and feelings. Resolve to maintain your composure and acknowledge that fury is a powerful feeling that frequently hides sadness, pain, and rejection. If they get hostile after you’ve said what has to be said, leave the conversation and offer to resume it once they’ve calmed down.
If they become depressed, “you can provide an understanding remark, such as, “I know this is incredibly tough on you and that it’s not what you want to hear. Do not discuss the reason for the breakup; instead, say, “I’m so sorry to hurt you.” Your lover could think they can get you to stay if you are wishy-washy.
If they make a change: “This is a typical response following a breakup: Your lover will make a promise, whether they are to alter their behaviour, visit a therapist, or take other steps to help the relationship succeed. However, before you end things, these kinds of changes ought to have been considered.
After the breakup
8.Inform your loved ones as soon as you can.
I strongly suggest informing your inner circle of the news pretty soon. Since loneliness and feelings of isolation are common post-breakup symptoms, talking on the phone and spending time with your ex-pals partners will help you feel connected.
9.Put your physical and emotional health first.
The most critical coping techniques are controlling your physiological needs for regular sleep, a balanced diet, exercise, and quality time with supportive friends. You could also require some solitude to let your emotions out. Avoid using alcohol, drugs, rebound relationships, social media stalking, and regular communication with your ex as a form of self-medication.
10.Plan your social media strategy.
If the separation is amicable, you might want to decide on a date for changing your relationship status. So that you both have time to tell your loved ones before it becomes public. Following that, you might wish to block, remove, or unfriend them for the time being. Remember that no one successfully transitions from being in a romantic relationship to becoming a friend overnight. You can always add them back when you’re ready for a platonic friendship. A flash drive that you can store out of sight and out of mind could be used to replace photographs that you want to delete.
Divorce from Someone
Consider the advantages.
The objective is to keep the positive aspects of that connection intact rather than concentrating on all of the negative aspects. When relationships end badly due to a lot of squabbling or more extreme conduct like adultery or accusations, the bad things may outweigh all of the good memories we have of the relationship, according to Kala.
Instead of making a big scene, be open and truthful about why you want to leave the relationship. Additionally, you should be able to justify why something won’t work without criticizing your partner.
I frequently advise individuals to say, “I,” rather than, “Well, you did that,” or “You were terrible. Own your feelings and say why you might not feel safe in the relationship. You gain responsibility and are given the freedom to act best.
Set boundaries that are firm and transparent.
Your lover will either accept it, or they could not believe it’s ended once you’ve spoken. Be firm if your partner struggles to let go. Inform them that unannounced phone calls, texts, and visits are not permitted. And if they continue to disregard your limits, don’t be hesitant to ban their communications. Decline invitations to events hosted by friends.
Don’t be afraid to file a lawsuit if your ex continues to disregard your requests after you’ve made your needs plain, mainly if they act threateningly or aggressively, advises Kala.